How to support those affected by Sexual Abuse.
WHAT PROTECTIVE ADULTS NEED TO KNOW. From Stop it Now! and The Lucy Faithfull Organisation
Many children who are sexually abused don't tell anyone about it and many keep their secret all their lives. People who sexually abuse children are more likely to be people we know, and could well be people we care about; more than 8 out of 10 children who are sexually abused know the person who abused them. They are family members or friends, neighbours or babysitters - many hold responsible positions in society. The closer the relationship between the child and the person carrying out the abuse, the less likely the child is to talk about it.
Children often show us rather than tell us that something is worrying or upsetting them so being aware of the warning signs is vital. However, children may give vague hints that something is happening. Their information may not be clear and they may not have the words to explain what is happening to them. The way adults respond to this is vital to ensuring the child's safety.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU SUSPECT ABUSE
RESPOND WITH CARE AND URGENCY
If you think a child is trying to tell you about a sexually abusive situation, respond promptly and with care. The police and children's social care have joint working arrangements for responding to suspected child sexual abuse. They are experienced in this work and will deal sensitively with the child and family.
BELIEVE THE CHILD
If a child trusts you enough to tell you about abuse, you must remember that they rarely lie about such things. Although it may be hard to believe that someone we trust or care about is capable of sexually abusing a child, it's highly unlikely that a child would deliberately make false accusations about adult-like sexual behaviours.
The pressures on the child to keep silent are enormous. It takes tremendous courage to talk about abuse. A child's claim that sexual abuse did not happen (when it actually did), or taking back a disclosure of abuse are common. Sometimes the child's account of what happened changes or evolves over time. This is a common pattern for disclosure and should not invalidate their story.
BE SUPPORTIVE
It is important that they feel supported - don't dismiss their claims or put them off talking about it.
STAY CALM
If they are talking to you about it, don't get angry or upset. Stay calm and steady. If you get angry the child may think you are going to punish them - this will play into the hands of the person who sexually abused the child, who might have warned the child not to tell. If the child fears you will become upset or distressed they are less likely to disclose in order to protect you emotionally.
BE CARING
Make sure the child knows you love them and that they have done nothing wrong - and keep telling them. The child will need to see that adults believe them and they are doing all they can to protect them. Make sure the child knows they were right to talk about it and that you are glad they came to you.
FACE THE PROBLEM
When the abuse is known, adults must face the problem honestly, protect the child at all costs and place responsibility appropriately with the person who committed the abuse.
RE-ESTABLISH SAFETY
Do what is necessary to protect the child from further harm. Put into place a family safety plan.
GET HELP
Get help from professionals who can help guide you towards safety and healing. Information on sources of help can be found on our get help / further support and useful links pages.
DO NOT DESPAIR
Children can and do recover from child sexual abuse. It is incredibly difficult to hear that someone you love has been hurt in such a way but help to recover is available.
Every year thousands of people discover that someone in their family or circle of friends has abused a child. These children and their families need help to recover from their experiences.
Our actions can prevent abuse, protect children, and help those abused to recover.
It can also lead to the person who sexually abused a child being held accountable and taking responsibility for their abuse. By getting effective treatment, they might eventually become a safer member of our community.
And if the person who sexually abused a child is someone close to us, we need to get support for ourselves too.
If you know about abuse and don’t tell anyone, the person who offended may well continue to abuse, the child will continue to suffer, and more children may become victims. But you can change that.
If you see warning signs and don’t know what to do, seek advice and help. The confidential Stop It Now! Helpline supports thousands of people each year to keep children safe.
Supporting a victim of sexual assault.
From NHS website
For relatives and friends of someone who has been sexually assaulted, The Havens website has advice on what you can do to help. The advice includes:
Don't judge them, don't blame them. A sexual assault is never the fault of the person who is abused.
Listen to the person, but don't ask for details of the assault. Don't ask them why they didn't stop it. This can make them feel as though you blame them.
Offer practical support, such as going with them to appointments.
Respect their decisions – for example, whether or not they want to report the assault to the police.
Bear in mind they might not want to be touched. Even a hug might upset them, so ask first. If you're in a sexual relationship with them, be aware that sex might be frightening, and don't put pressure on them to have sex.
Don't tell them to forget about the assault. It will take time for them to deal with their feelings and emotions. You can help by listening and being patient. Find your nearest rape and sexual assault services, including SARCs.
How can therapy help?
From NAPAC (National Association of People Abused in Childhood).
Abuse in childhood has a profound impact on a person’s ability to trust other people. It therefore makes sense that one of the key tasks in our recovery from abuse is to learn how to regain that trust and connection to other people.
A therapist, counsellor or any other person who you feel safe with can play a key part in this process. Their main task is to offer safety, support and unconditional positive regard. Advice and direction should only be offered if you ask for it. Therapists should never try and convince you that they know what’s best for you or disempower you in any way. Their role is to show you what a healthy relationship with another person feels and looks like.
In the first instance, a therapist or other supportive person may help you with addressing some key symptoms of abuse that you feel you are struggling with the most – for example, depression, anxiety, self-harm, addictions, or self-sabotage. As trust and connection builds, they can then support you with slowly and gently facing up to those feelings that you may have suppressed for many years.
At first, you may feel worse as you go through the process of engaging with very painful feelings. This is normal. You are facing up to something that you had to push aside for a long time in order to survive. But with the right support this process will make you feel stronger in the long run and allow you to fully take charge of your emotions, your thoughts and your life.
There are many different types of therapy but almost none of that matters. What matters is whether you feel safe with your therapist, counsellor or supportive person and whether working with that person is making a positive difference in how you feel about yourself and others and the world.
Not all therapy is talk therapy. There is body-centred therapy, art therapy, dance therapy, equine therapy, psychodrama, EMDR, trauma release exercises, and many other approaches that can support you in dealing with the impact of the abuse. Find out what resonates the most for you and explore. Many of these approaches are available through the NHS.
If you choose to find therapy outside of the NHS, many private therapists or private or third-sector organisations offer “pay-what-you-can” or sliding scale options for anyone who is struggling financially. Don’t feel shy about asking for such options. They are common.
While qualifications and membership of a professional association may offer some protection from malpractice by therapists, they do not guarantee that he or she has the human qualities and skills needed to work with abuse survivors. We have heard from many callers who said they felt most supported by someone who simply had the capacity and willingness to do so – a neighbour, a community mental health nurse, a support worker, a student counsellor and many more who may never had any advanced training. Research has shown that most survivors feel best supported by people in the voluntary/charity sector where they felt heard, believed and respected.
If there is something that you do not feel comfortable with when working with a therapist or counsellor, and it could not be resolved by talking to them directly, you can contact their professional association or employer to get advice or make a formal complaint. BACP and UKCP, the two leading professional associations for therapists, outline the process on their respective websites.
Group work – whether it’s group therapy, psychoeducation groups or peer-led support groups – is also known to be highly empowering for abuse survivors who feel ready to join a group. Many survivors build up confidence in one-to-one counselling before connecting with a group; others feel more comfortable being part of a group before moving on to individual counselling or therapy.
NAPAC offers support groups whenever funding permits, but please also visit The Survivors Trust website to find other organisations running groups in your area.
